The holidays can bring so much joy, as well as time with family and even space to rest. But they can also serve up a heavy load of expectations. Whether it’s because you’re the one who always hosts, or because you feel obliged to take part in every family tradition, it’s easy to get stuck and overwhelmed. And then resentful.
But it is OK to say no to holiday expectations. In fact, recognising and setting boundaries can be a powerful act of self-care. Here’s why it’s OK, and some practical ways to do it.
Why we feel pressure at the holidays
All families have their own traditions, roles and even unspoken agreements. When you step into one of those roles – maybe you’re the baker of the family, the person who coordinates the Christmas celebrations or someone that acts as a peacekeeper between family members – it can start to feel like an obligation rather than a choice.
Medibank Chief Medical Officer Dr Andrew Wilson says, ‘The reality of difficult family dynamics for some people can contrast with our expectations of how we would like this [holiday] period to be and this can result in people feeling a sense of loss of control or of helplessness.’
Often the pressure comes from love, tradition or loyalty, rather than malice. But regardless of the origin, the effect can still be stressful. When your expectations are too high, you end up doing too much. And when that happens you may find that your own needs aren’t being met.
So, when the holidays arrive, instead of feeling refreshed, you may feel exhausted, resentful and even disconnected. That’s a clue that these expectations have moved outside the realm of what’s reasonable for you.
Why it’s OK to say no to holiday expectations
Saying yes to everything may seem generous or loyal, but if it comes at the cost of your wellbeing or personal boundaries, it isn’t fair to you. Setting boundaries isn’t about rejecting people. It’s about honouring the reality of what you can reasonably sustain.
When you allow yourself to say no to an expectation, you give yourself permission to:
- Protect and conserve your energy so you aren’t drained when you want to be present and joyful.
- Be authentically present rather than preoccupied with logistics.
- Send the message that your time, capacity and needs matter too.
- Avoid resentment building up.
- Open yourself up for more genuine connection.
In short, giving yourself permission to say no during the holidays isn’t about being difficult. It’s about being healthy and kind to yourself.
But learning how to say no during the holidays is easier said than done. Because how do you opt out of something you’ve always done – or believe you must do?
How to say no to holiday expectations
Here are some steps you can take to manage expectations and say no without burning bridges.
1. Clarify your capacity and priorities
Before the holiday chaos begins, ask yourself, what do I realistically want this holiday to look like? What am I willing and able to give? What do I need for my own rest and enjoyment?
When you answer those questions then you know your own limits. And when you know your own limits, you can better communicate them.
2. Use ‘I’ statements and set the context
Rather than saying, ‘You always expect me to host,’ try saying something like, ‘I’ve realised that hosting takes a lot from me. I’d prefer to sit this one out or share hosting with someone else.’
Phrasing the statements in this way keeps things personal to you and non-accusatory.
3. Offer an alternative (but only if it works for you)
If you’re not up for full hosting (for example) but you still want connection and to be part of the celebration, you could suggest a smaller or simpler alternative. For example, you could say, ‘I can’t do the full Christmas lunch, but I’d love to bring morning tea and spend a few hours with everyone.’
This shows that you still value time together. You’re just choosing a version that fits your energy, budget or emotional bandwidth.
4. Set boundaries in advance, and stick to them
Let people know what you’re able to do, and what you’re not (or won’t). For example, you might say, ‘I’m only available until 4pm that day.’ Making that clear ahead of time avoids misunderstandings and last-minute guilt.
5. Communicate with compassion
Remember that some family members may feel hurt or surprised when you set your boundaries especially if holiday traditions matter to them. It’s always good to acknowledge that. You could say, ‘I’m grateful for all the years we’ve been able to host, but this year I just need to step back so I can recharge.’
Saying no with compassion keeps the connection intact – proving that honesty and love can exist in the same conversation.
Saying yes to what matters most
Remember that when you’re saying no to expectations, you’re also saying yes to what matters most – yourself. You’re choosing peace over pressure and giving yourself space to own the holidays on your own terms.
Holidays are a beautiful time, but only if they’re meaningful and sustainable. Learning how to say no during the holidays and practicing setting boundaries is simply recognising that you matter too.
This isn’t selfish – it’s self-care. And it doesn’t make you less loving or loyal. It makes you realistic and resilient, and can actually make your relationships and celebrations richer.
If you’re feeling the pressure this holiday season, remember you’re not alone. Reach out to our Young Mindsteam or browse our free online resources. We’re here to help!
Find out how we can assist by making an appointment enquiry today with Young Minds Network, or call us on: 07 3857 0074.
Author: Di O’Malley – Founder and Managing Director of Young Minds Health and Development Network, and Counselling Psychologist.