Friendships are more than just someone to run around with on the playground. They’re an important element of your child’s overall wellbeing.
Research shows that friendships in primary school give children a song sense of belonging and more robust self-esteem, which also leads to higher engagement in learning and less loneliness at school.
A large study from the NSW Department of Education also found that students with a positive sense of belonging report that they have better friendships, less instances of bullying and more motivation at school.
Still other research shows that friendships provide a context where children can safely practice social skills, feel supported and better cope with the psychological challenges that all kids face at one time or another.
Finally, and importantly, research shows that positive friendships help kids have better mental health and less ‘problem’ behaviours, such as aggression or outbursts, now and into the future.
Friendships are important… but they’re not always easy
Despite all the fantastic benefits that friendships can bring, it’s not always easy for kids of any age to make friends. And as parents it can be heartbreaking when we see our children struggling or feeling lonely.
Luckily there are some things you can do to help your child make friens. In fact, it’s important that you do, because research also consistently highlights the importance of family support in developing good friendships.
Put simply, plenty of love, encouragement and reassurance at home makes children of all ages more comfortable and confident reaching out and meeting new people. And it helps them to build the resilience they need to handle the inevitable ups and downs of friendships.
So how do we start helping our child make friends? It starts with understanding what makes a good, supportive friendship.
What makes a good friend?
To help our children make friends, we have to understand for ourselves, and to teach our kids, what makes a good friend. While there are many qualities that good friends (and good people) should have – things like kindness, inclusiveness and compassion – experts believe that the most important thing is that it’s someone you can be yourself with and who you feel good when you’re around them.
Other elements can vary, but should include:
- They treat you with empathy and kindness
- You feel good when you’re with them
- They can admit when they’re wrong and are willing to apologise
- They make time for you
- You feel welcome and included by them
- And they’re trustworthy and reliable
It’s also important to teach your child that no friendship is perfect. There will be disagreements, misunderstandings or even shifts in every friendship. That’s just their nature.
How parents can help children make friends
So once we have taught our kids what to look for in a friend, many will still need support to really make those friends. Here are some ways to do that:
Teach friendship skills
Friendship is a skill. It’s not something that just happens or that we even innately know how to do. It’s something we learn.
You can help your child by role-playing scenarios at home. You might pretend to invite someone to join in on a game or ask a classmate about their weekend. You can also model how to respond to someone if an invitation to join in is rebuffed (which may happen).
Bec Sparrow, Australia’s ‘friendship whisperer’ also offers short webinars to help kids learn how to recognise good friends, become a good friend and manage fall outs. Learning platforms like this can help as well. And if your child continues to struggle, professionals, like our team of therapists, are always on hand to help.
Model healthy relationships
Your kids learn more from you than you may realise – and they learn a lot just by watching you. Show them how you act as a good friend – keep your promises and commitments, resolve conflicts calmly and, most importantly, maintain your own friends.
You can (and should!) also share stories about times you’ve worked through problems or arguments with your own friends. This lets them see how strong friendships work in the real world.
Provide opportunities to make friends
Friends are hard to make if you’re never in a position to make them. And school is just one place where kids make friends. If they’re struggling try to expand their opportunities.
Encourage involvement in activities like sports, arts or clubs. Shared interests and structured settings often lead to easier connections. You can also arrange playdates or invite classmates over to give your child a chance to build those friendships in a familiar and safe setting.
Support conflict resolution
As we’ve said, all friendships face conflicts. Be sure to tell your kids this, and also teach them simple steps for handling disagreements. Start by teaching them how to calmly express how they feel, and then offer a solution.
For example, you might teach your seven year old to say, ‘I felt sad when you took my slime and got dirt in it. I like to play with you with the slime, but next time can we keep it out of the dirt?’
You should also emphasise that if they’re the one in the wrong to be sure to say sorry and try to make amends. This is part of being a good friend.
Encourage resilience
Friendships change, and that’s normal. Talk to your child about what it might look like and how it might feel when a friend starts to drift away (or they do). Reassure your child that this is natural, and that new connections and friendships will come along.
As much as you can encourage them to see these setbacks as opportunities to learn and grow and find others that might be an even better friend.
Teach boundaries
Help your child to understand that it’s absolutely OK to say no, and that good friends will always respect their boundaries. This helps them to be strong in themselves, have the confidence to stand up for what they need and protect themselves against unhealthy friendships.
Everyday ways to practice ‘friendshipping’
- Embrace teachable moments. Use stories from your own life, playground stories or sibling disagreements as openings to talk about inclusion and kindness (and any other friendship element!)
- Have regular check ins. Ask your child who they’re enjoying spending time with. Try to dig deeper to determine if there is anything tricky going on with friendships at the moment and then help brainstorm ways to solve them!
- Encourage empathy. Ask your child who might be feeling sad or lonely at school, and encourage then to seek them out and invite them to join in. And when there are disagreements, ask your child to try to imagine how the other person might be feeling.
- Celebrate effort. Wins are great, but effort matters more. Whether it’s saying hello to someone new or handling a disagreement well, praise the attempt – not just the outcome.
When to step in
Most friendship struggles are short lived and within your child’s ability to navigate. But there are times when you may need to step in or take some additional action.
For example, if your child is:
- Persistently excluded or bullied
- Shows anxiety about going to school or meeting up with friends (or a specific friend)
- Losing sleep over friendship worries
- Having conflicts that are harmful
In these situations, it’s time to seek professional help from the school and a counsellor.
Helping children thrive through friendships
As parents, we can help our children thrive by teaching them how to recognise and build successful friendships. Because learning how to make friends, becoming a good friend and building good, supportive friendships, is a skill. And with guidance, practice and patience, children can develop those skills that will allow them to grow strong, healthy connections that will support them for life.
Of course, if you have any questions or need any support reach out to our Young Minds team or browse our free online resources.
Find out how we can assist by making an appointment enquiry today with Young Minds Network, or call us on: 07 3857 0074. We’re here to help!
Author: Di O’Malley – Founder and Managing Director of Young Minds Health and Development Network, and Counselling Psychologist.