Research shows that good communication is vital to any healthy relationship. As parents, our relationships with our children are among the most important in our lives. And so maintaining healthy, effective communication with our children is the key to maintaining those relationships.
Good communication is our best defence against misunderstandings and will help us to repair the relationship after conflict. It assists to future-proof the parent/child connection. It also enables us to share values, impart wisdom and guide our children on what respectful relationships should look like.
Of course, it’s never as straight forward as it sounds. Communication – particularly within families – can be challenging. But there are some things you can do to learn how to communicate with your children better.
Why is parent/child communication important?
Before we dive into how to communicate with children, let’s take a look at why good communication is vital.
Communication is at the core of every human relationship. Regardless of the nature of the connection, we need to be able to share our feelings, be respected and feel understood.
Communication is particularly important in the parent-child relationship because we are actively guiding our children on how to behave in the world. We need to be able to share our teachings, while also modelling what healthy communication looks like.
This helps our children embrace healthy communication skills themselves, and teaches them what to expect from others. Positive communication from a parent conveys to a child that they are respected and valued.
Effective communication can support a child to feel secure within their family and want to cooperate. It can also help them to feel confident about sharing and talking with others. We know that being able to express emotions is crucial for children experiencing anxiety, explosive behaviour, grief and other mental health issues.
What can affect parent/child communication?
Parent/child communication can often be challenging for a whole range of reasons. Kids, at various stages of development, simply don’t like being told what to do. Other causes of tension can include sibling rivalry, a low sense of self-esteem and/or past trauma.
As a child grows and enters various phases, they will also experiment with testing boundaries and challenging authority. This of course can include pushing back on your attempts at communication.
An estranged relationship between parent and child can also cause issues with communication. For example, the non-resident parent in a divorce may find it hard to maintain the level of closeness they once had.
Tips on how to better communicate with children
So how can we communicate with children?
First, it’s important to acknowledge that every child is unique. What works well with one child may not work for others. Below is a range of suggestions that may be helpful.
1. Consider your intentions before you initiate communication.
What lesson or value are you hoping to impart? What is the best way to communicate this, without jumping to conclusions or making your child feel ‘bad’?
Think about the bigger picture here. For example, perhaps instead of punishment you actually wish to teach your child about how their behaviour can affect others?
2. Actively listen.
Communication is a two-way process. The best way to make your child feel understood is to put away distractions and genuinely listen.
[H3]3. Ask questions.
Make sure you fully understand your child’s perspective.
4. Validate your child’s feelings and be empathetic.
Communicating from a place of empathy is the best approach for parent-child communication. When we seek to validate our child’s feelings, we can discuss the issue without judgement or labels, and work together to find a solution.
5. Take responsibility too.
Model the behaviour you wish to see in your child by owning up to what you could have done better in the situation. This is a more effective approach than putting the blame on someone else.
6. Stay flexible.
If the situation is getting too heated, take a break and come back when everyone has cooled down.
7. Consider the time and place.
A child who has just finished a long school day or playdate will likely not be in the best headspace for a deep conversation. Choose a time and place when both of you feel comfortable and ready to engage.
8. Maintain boundaries.
Showing respect is important for healthy communication. Remind your child that all feelings are valid, but you can still set boundaries around physical aggression.
9. Consider the way you are speaking.
Your tone of voice and the words you choose matter. Model a respectful communication style.
10. Tune in to the interests of the child.
Perhaps you could have your conversation while doing something your child enjoys. For example, shooting basketball hoops or collecting shells on the beach. This helps to take the pressure off and helps your child to feel more at ease.
11. Consider alternative means of communication.
Some kids feel uncomfortable with the intensity of face-to-face verbal communication. In this case, you could try other methods of communicating. For example, sending a text message or using a journal to share thoughts and feelings with each other.
12. Take the pressure off.
If your relationship is strained, this will not be an overnight fix. Connection and trust takes time. Start small and slow. Showing consistency is a great way to improve parent-child communication.
13. Ask for help!
If you’re struggling with how to communicate with your children, get in touch with our team. We’re happy to help you work through some of the issues that might be unique to you and your child. After all, everyone is different, and everyone’s communication style is different too.
If you’d like more strategies and advice around how to communicate with children, you may wish to check out our blog or engage a child psychologist. If you would like to have a chat to a Young Minds Network clinician, find out more here.