If you ask someone about assertiveness, they are likely to say it means standing up for yourself and that it’s a good way to be. But putting this idea into practice is something many of us find challenging. Let’s explore some common reasons why people find assertiveness difficult, as well as how to combat these obstacles.
You can’t identify what assertive behaviour looks like
It’s much easier to say ‘be assertive,’ than it is to demonstrate the behaviour. If you can’t imagine what assertiveness would look like for a given situation it’s useful to remember this definition:
Assertiveness can be described as acting in a way that is respectful towards others, whilst also advocating for your own rights.
It can be helpful to contrast this behaviour with submissiveness (respecting others but not yourself) and aggressiveness (caring about your own rights while disregarding others’ rights).
It’s important to recognise that behaviour is on a continuum from submissive through to assertive and aggressive. We all have the capacity to act assertively.
Sometimes people can have unhelpful beliefs about assertiveness. For example, if you grew up in a family where conflict was avoided you might think that speaking up is confrontational and inappropriate. Another example might be the belief that no one will listen to you or that you deserve to be treated poorly (which may have developed from unhealthy past relationships or workplaces).
Solution:
Remember the definition of assertiveness and evaluate your behaviour against it. Rehearse helpful beliefs about assertiveness such:
I do not want conflict, but I will tolerate some level of it if my boundaries are crossed; I like to get on with others and will be respectful to all, but I do not always have to be liked; or My needs are important, as are the needs of others.
Writing down boundaries (how you think you should be treated, what is ok and not ok) can also help.
Assertiveness is not a skill that you have developed
Assertiveness is a behaviour, not an innate trait. We all have the ability to learn new behaviours, and learning requires practice.
Sometimes we can pigeon hole our self, for example:
“I’m just a passive person,” or, “I’m always going to go off the handle when there’s conflict.”
These statements reflect unhelpful thinking and are exaggerations.
Solution:
To help practise assertive behaviour you might:
- Role play assertiveness with a family member or friend and ask for feedback
- Observe others who are assertive and think about how they acted and the result
- Start with small goals (e.g. being assertive about a minor event where the stakes are low)
Use the chart below to examine your behaviour
| Submissive | Assertive | Aggressive | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Appearance | – Stooped posture – Reduced eye contact – Making body smaller | – Good posture – Appropriate eye contact | – Imposing physical presence – Excessive eye contact |
| Voice tone | – Timid | – Respectful | – Angry, rude |
| Volume | – Quiet | – Audible | – Loud |
You’re trying to control your environment
The desire to have control and predictability in our life is part of the human condition. However, there are many things in life that we have no or limited control over, and other people is one of them. Aggression is a way to exert control – we try to enforce our desires without regard to others. Whilst submission seems like we are giving power to others, it is in some ways an attempt to control our environment (by going out of our way to avoid conflict and keep the peace).
Solution:
- Focus on aspects of your environment you can control, namely your own behaviour. This is what assertiveness (standing up for your own rights) achieves without encroaching on the rights of others.
- Practise acceptance by acknowledging and finding peace with factors you cannot control. Do not take excessive responsibility for situations (e.g. you are not responsible for others’ emotions).
The context makes it difficult to be assertive
Saying that we should always be assertive does not account for situational factors. For example, the time to tell your boss that you disagree with their approach would not be in front of external stakeholders. In this context, behaving passively would be more appropriate.
People differ in their perception of what is appropriate behaviour, as do cultures. For example, in Japan there is a cultural norm in which workers are obliged to stay later than their boss, whereas this may be seen as submissive behaviour in Australian culture.
Power differences in the workplaces can also make it difficult to be assertive, especially if you have a boss who has an aggressive attitude.
Solution:
- Consider whether being assertive is the best approach for the situation
- Be cognisant and respectful of cultural differences (and consider others may appear more or less assertive because of cultural factors, rather than because of you personally).
- If your colleagues have an aggressive or bullying manner keeping a track record of issues (emails mean there is a paper trail and people may be more reasonable when there is evidence of their responses).
- Ask for help from someone who you believe is adept at behaving assertively. Someone who is not directly involved in the situation may have a fresh view on how to handle the problem.
- Try a ‘feedback sandwich’ – where you start and finish a conversation with positive comments and in the middle section discuss areas for improvement assertively. This technique can balance the conversation so strengths are acknowledged. Positive comments have to be genuine for this technique to work, and assertive comments should be kept on track and specific to the situation at hand.
You become too emotional
When we are feeling strong emotions, it can be hard to control our behaviour, leading to aggressive outbursts. Situations in which we need to be assertive tend to be emotionally charged (as we may feel mistreated). Our body can go into fight or flight mode, making it difficult to access rational thought processes which we need to be assertive.
Solution:
- Only raise difficult topics when you are feeling calm and confident. If you start to become emotional during the conversation take a break and do some deep breathing to calm down.
- Stay on topic and don’t make matters personal.
- Address difficult topics early – behaving passively for too long can lead to a blow up where we bypass assertion and behave aggressively.
Conclusion
We have explored five common reasons why people struggle to be assertive, as well as some solutions for these problems. Regularly practising assertiveness can help you to get along with others while also standing up for your own needs.
If you would like help with becoming more assertive our practitioners can assist you in exploring this valuable skill.
Author and Illustrator: Erica South, Psychologist, Young Minds Health and Development Network
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